And Yet Another Do-Over...

If anyone has noticed, I have pretty much fallen off the face of the earth for the last few weeks.  Yes, I'm ok, and thanks to everyone who has posted to my facebook page their concerns and prayers for me.  Please don't think that I was upset at anyone of my friends or that I was keeping anyone out of the loop (Mom). Those who know what is going on will understand and that is why I will catch everyone up to date here.

JT is back.  He took a bus and showed up here at the same time I disappeared from web-world.  Needless to say, there wasn't much I could do about it as he is on the lease and I was not in any position to be able to move out so I had a lot to deal with.  I was, at that time, pretty comfortable with the idea of being alone and enjoyed having all the time by myself and with my FlyGirls and my children.  JT's coming back threw a wrench in that whole piece of work.

Since he has been back, I have not had a mili-second to myself.  When I go into a room, he follows me. When I use the computer, he pulls up a chair right next to me to see what I'm doing (in the guise of "I missed you, Baby. I just want to be near you.") I am lucky that I am able to use the bathroom alone.

When he got back, he swore that he would get a job and start paying all the bills. That turned into one of the biggest fiascos I've ever seen with countless trips to the DMV to get his ID sorted out, using up all of my cell phone minutes, job applications and finally a job interview last week. The manager actually saved the job for him for 5 days while we got his ID situation straightened out, which was a blessing and he started work yesterday.

Through all of this, I have not had a moment, really, to even breathe.  Now that he is working full time, I am finally feeling the tiniest sense of relief and that I may be able to let out the breathe that I've been holding for so long.

When he is around me, I have no ambition to do anything and honestly, trying to do anything with him under foot is practically impossible. My 'flying' was put on hold, my Bible reading put on hold, my exercising put on hold... everything.  And so there is clutter everywhere at the moment, physically, emotionally, mentally.. you name it.

However, during his work hours, I feel like my old self.  I feel like cleaning my house, I feel like getting back on track, I feel like ME.  Kind of sad, isn't it?  But, at least during those hours, now I can do the things I love and not feel like I have anyone watching every move I make and talking my head off. There is SILENCE! Ahhhhhh, how much I love silence.  Even with the kids home, there are moments of silence. Thank GOD!

So, anyway.... that's the scoop.  That's what has been going on.  And at least on the days that I am able to be at home alone, I will be doing another Do-Over.

Falling Off The Flutter-Wagon

Doesn't it always seem that when everything seems to be going along smoothly, you're feeling good about things and your accomplishments that the devil has a way of throwing a wrench in the wheel of life?

Well, that's what happened to me yesterday. 

I accomplished so much on Monday.  I felt good.  Got my whole bedroom clean and comfortable.  It was such a task!  But, I did it!  With the help of my friends over at the FlyLady Facebook Page.  8 hours straight of calling FlyLady Bingo and then a couple hours afterwards and I had amazing results:

I went to bed that night feeling very good about myself and my home and my family. It had just been a wonderful day.  The kids were home from school, I was off of work, nobody had fought or fussed.  It was just all good.

The calm before the storm, I suppose.

Yesterday I had a bomb dropped on me and I am struggling through the debris of my life once more. Someone hurt me and hurt me deeply.  I feel a million things right now.  Betrayed, Unloved, Unattractive, Angry, Disillusioned... these are just a few of them.  My head and my heart are at odds. I'm trying to keep to my routines.  I'm trying to be Thankful in the Midst of the Storm, and I am.  It's just that the thankful feelings are gettind drowned by my tears that just refuse to stop.  God talks about the wellsprings of the heart.. well, mine are coming out my eyes.  *sigh*

My motivation is miniscule.  My home and emotions are in cahoots and have exploded all over the place.  I have to get up and get moving, but getting out of bed and putting yesterday's clothes back on was an accomplishment in itself.

There are things to be thankful for.  I need to concentrate on those.
There are sinks to shine. And I can do anything for 15 minutes, right?

I did manage to make my bed this morning.  I did manage to make the boys' their breakfast. I did manage to get my coffee on.  I can do this.  I will do this.

Please, God, HELP me do this.

The Joy Of The Lord Is My Strength.
All Things Work Together For The Good Of Those Who Love God.
He Knows The Plans That He Has For Me ...
He Leads Me Beside Still Waters...

No matter who does NOT love me... My GOD LOVES ME!
Their loss.

Excuse me, I have to catch that Flutter-Wagon.  It's time for me to start FLY-ing again.
(FLY - Finally. Loving. YOURSELF!)