Thursday, February 17, 2011

And Yet Another Do-Over...

If anyone has noticed, I have pretty much fallen off the face of the earth for the last few weeks.  Yes, I'm ok, and thanks to everyone who has posted to my facebook page their concerns and prayers for me.  Please don't think that I was upset at anyone of my friends or that I was keeping anyone out of the loop (Mom). Those who know what is going on will understand and that is why I will catch everyone up to date here.

JT is back.  He took a bus and showed up here at the same time I disappeared from web-world.  Needless to say, there wasn't much I could do about it as he is on the lease and I was not in any position to be able to move out so I had a lot to deal with.  I was, at that time, pretty comfortable with the idea of being alone and enjoyed having all the time by myself and with my FlyGirls and my children.  JT's coming back threw a wrench in that whole piece of work.

Since he has been back, I have not had a mili-second to myself.  When I go into a room, he follows me. When I use the computer, he pulls up a chair right next to me to see what I'm doing (in the guise of "I missed you, Baby. I just want to be near you.") I am lucky that I am able to use the bathroom alone.

When he got back, he swore that he would get a job and start paying all the bills. That turned into one of the biggest fiascos I've ever seen with countless trips to the DMV to get his ID sorted out, using up all of my cell phone minutes, job applications and finally a job interview last week. The manager actually saved the job for him for 5 days while we got his ID situation straightened out, which was a blessing and he started work yesterday.

Through all of this, I have not had a moment, really, to even breathe.  Now that he is working full time, I am finally feeling the tiniest sense of relief and that I may be able to let out the breathe that I've been holding for so long.

When he is around me, I have no ambition to do anything and honestly, trying to do anything with him under foot is practically impossible. My 'flying' was put on hold, my Bible reading put on hold, my exercising put on hold... everything.  And so there is clutter everywhere at the moment, physically, emotionally, mentally.. you name it.

However, during his work hours, I feel like my old self.  I feel like cleaning my house, I feel like getting back on track, I feel like ME.  Kind of sad, isn't it?  But, at least during those hours, now I can do the things I love and not feel like I have anyone watching every move I make and talking my head off. There is SILENCE! Ahhhhhh, how much I love silence.  Even with the kids home, there are moments of silence. Thank GOD!

So, anyway.... that's the scoop.  That's what has been going on.  And at least on the days that I am able to be at home alone, I will be doing another Do-Over.

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Dawn said...

I had noticed your absence, and thought you were getting stuck into something big ... but not that! I really, really understand, and though my circumstances are different to yours, that need to be alone in your own home is very strong and very necessary. I'll be thinking of you as you go through yet another change, and I hope you are able to find a way to rid yourself of all that unwanted clutter {hugs} Dawn

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